Friday, 16 June 2017

One in Three...


I have thought for days on end about whether I should post this or not and with the encouragement of those I love and those that were there for me through this, I have decided to because if I can help just one person feel okay, I will be happy.

February 14, 2013. Its Valentine's Day and I'm on my way to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life.

I'm on my way to terminate an accidental pregnancy.


Rewind a few weeks and I'm in my room with my best friend taking a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. It was always irregular back then but never that late so I picked up a test but knew there was no way it would be positive. So I thought.

There it was. The positive. The big fat, in my face, double pink line positive. For a moment, I am numb as I show the test to my friend who I'm sure went numb too. We both knew I wasn't ready. We both knew I wasn't in love with the father. I lived alone in an apartment I could barely afford the rent for and I could barely take care of myself.

I couldn't bare to say it out aloud so I texted him. The father, my partner at the time. I remember his response like it was yesterday. "We only really have one option don't we?"
And I knew what he meant.

I spent the next two weeks experiencing severe symptoms of pregnancy which made the experience really hard. Every second of the day, I was reminded that I had something growing inside of me. Something that I had made the decision to stop growing.  For two whole weeks I spiralled in to a deep depression like I had never experienced before.

I would sit in the toilet cubicle at work and hyperventilate until I threw up because I couldn't comprehend the situation I was in.

We're back to Valentine's Day and my best friend offers to drive me to my appointment and stay with me the whole time. My best friend, not my partner.

We park and we walk up to the clinic where there is a man outside protesting abortion. I remember seeing his soiled, weathered cowboy hat, unkept dark blue shirt and cargo shorts with dirt covered white runners holding a sign with a photo of a fetus  much bigger than the tiny embryo I had in my belly explaining abortion as murder.

In that moment, I found out just what anxiety is and what it feels like. It's complete hell and like you're being stomped on and you can't breathe and nothing can help you. That's what I had to feel on a day where I was doing something that I didn't want to do but knew that I needed to do. And I was made to feel that way because someone else felt that they had a say in what I can and can't do with my own body.

I still see that man protesting at least once a week on my ride in to work and every time I see him I feel exactly what I felt that day.

Thinking about it now, the procedure is such a blur and it doesn't feel real. But it was. I remember being put to sleep and then waking up in a small room surrounded by other women who had just had the same procedure. So many different women in so many different circumstances. Some really young, some middle aged, some laughing and talking like nothing happened, some crying. I sat in silence. Behind it all I knew nothing of their situation and they knew nothing of mine.

When I woke, the symptoms were gone. Completely. And I felt empty and unsure and anxious and I had no idea what to do next.

My best friend was going to drive to my partners house to pick him up so he could look after me. I decided on the way there, to stop at the shop to buy him something for Valentine's Day because I assumed he would be feeling at least some of what I was feeling... right? He was in this too?

I walked in the door and he says "what took you so long?" He hadn't bought or made me anything for Valentine's Day. He didn't ask me if I was okay. He was just angry that I took so long. And in that moment, I knew I made the right decision.

It wasn't a life I wanted to be a part of anymore and not a life I wanted to bring a child in to.

I cried like I had never cried before the whole ride home to my house where I sat with someone I didn't want to be near for the next two days. I'm not sure why I stayed with him after that but for the next year, our relationship failed again and again and eventually I built up the strength to leave him. The strength that he slowly took away from me starting from the day we started our relationship.

Whilst there are times I still think about it and what could have been to this day, I don't regret my decision and I am not ashamed to say I had to resort to making a choice for myself and my life.

I didn't write this post to look for support or validation from others (or offend anyone) but to share my experience in the hopes of helping other women know that it's okay to make a decision for you and your body.

I read a post recently that was re posted by Kidspot which you can read here and they said that one in three women would have an abortion in their lifetime. I had NO idea.

Because no one talks about it.

I know it's a SUPER personal thing but this experience led to me experiencing depression for quite a long time and I know if I had someone to talk to that had been through the same thing, I would have felt better about my decision rather than constantly fearing judgement from others.

Abortion is not a decision that a woman makes lightly. It affects us all differently and those who do it, do it for so many different reasons that you and I will never understand and you don't have to understand. Because that's not your journey to understand.

What we need to do is stop judging other people for their life decisions. Our bodies are our bodies and we and we alone should have the only say in what happens with our own bodies.

Tahana x 

25 comments :

  1. I am proud of you for being able to share your story. I know this would not have been an easy thing to do. I am sure it will help others in similar situations, know they are not alone and they shouldn't fear the judgment and journey ahead.

    Shan x.

    www.shannongibb.blogspot.com.au

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  2. Very brave babe. You have my support always

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  3. A beautiful post about a sensitive subject but you wrote about it so well. Thankyou for sharing your story xx

    P.s People protesting outside clinics like this make me so effing angry.

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  4. Brave if you to share your story, I had no idea that 1 in 3 women go through that procedure.
    It's such a delicate situation and decision to be made.

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  5. Thank you for speaking out about your experience T, something that is often swept under the rug and told not to talk about. If this post even helps just one person it is so worth it.

    Kate x

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  6. This was an amazing and emotional read. You are so brave. For doing what you felt you needed to do AND for speaking about what no one speaks about.

    What really struck me was the person protesting. I can't believe that even happens here. Totally disgraceful.

    1 in 3 is too high a number to feel embarrassed about a decision we make about our bodies x

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  7. Wow Tahana, this was such a brace and raw read. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but I'm also glad you were strong enough to do the right thing for you.

    You're totally right, nobody talks about it like this. It's your body - your choice.

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  8. You are beautiful for sharing your story. I have not had this experience of abortion but I have had the accidental pregnancy (sadly I lost through ectopic pregnancy). You are brave and strong, I applaud you for your courage.
    This story WILL help others through their tough time.
    Sometimes we need to make decisions thaf other people may not agree on. Its important to know that the right decision is what make you happy and your future clearer.
    Xx

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  9. Wow Tahana, what an amazing post. I certainly didn't know this story but I think you are so amazing and brave for sharing your story so you can help others who may be too afraid to talk about t or seek support. Grief and loss is a massive thing that can stay with you for years and years so it's definitely important to talk about these things. I'm always here for you, and I am so happy you now have a loving and supportive partner and gorgeous son to remind you of what a great person you are! xx

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  10. Tahana, this post was written beautifully!

    Sometimes I feel more people should have an abortion when they know it would be best for them, but they push on because they feel guilty and then they resent the children because of it.

    Achillies and Ben are the rewards of your decision, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

    Maddie | www.maddiesbeautyspot.com

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  11. ❤️ So brave babe! You are incredible!

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  12. You are quite brave to write this post Tahana, although it should be something that women can talk about more easily. It angered me to hear how you were treated by your partner at the time, but it definitely seems like you made the right decision to leave him based on your current life you have with Ben and Achilles.

    Someone close to me has had to undergo the same procedure but for different reasons and I remember it was hushed up so strongly and I always wondered why women weren't as comfortable being able to talk about it as I thought they should be. I'm not undermining the experience of these procedures and saying they aren't really that bad, no. Rather, that it can be quite a traumatic experience that women should be more comfortable in talking about with without the stigma of being labelled as horrible beings. Honestly, I am not against it in anyway nor do I judge anyone for making that choice. It's ultimately down to the choice of the parents or Mother whether or not to risk raising a child not in an ideal surrounding. I'd much rather a woman terminate a pregnancy than bring up a child in an environment that's unsafe, or where they could go hungry or face neglect because the Mother can't care for them properly.

    I also think there should be much more support for those who do have to go through what you've had to do. Really, it sounds like you did the right thing, and it sounds like you know that as well.

    I do applaud you for writing this post, I understand it must have been a hard thing for you to do but I hope that it also helps to get women talking about it more, where they are free of judgement.

    This is a very important post.

    Felicia | www.thebeautyandthegeekau.com

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  13. Wow! Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story and experience. It definitely wouldn't have been easy to share but I respect your honesty on a topic which is often not talked about. You had to make the right decision for you at the time and now I see how happy you are with your family and beautiful boy and it brings a smile to my face. You are a wonderful mother and an amazing role model, not only to your son but to young women everywhere x

    Marisa @marisarobinson.mua - http://www.marisarobinson-mua.com/makeup-by-marisa

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  14. One in three are high stats and I think this post will help a lot of women so thank you so much for sharing your story!

    Amy | http://www.herquarters.com

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  15. It was such an honour to read your story and I applaud you for sharing it. You are so right, no one ever talks about it. So many women struggle in silence because it is still taboo and I'm really sorry you had to be one of them. You are so brave and you made a decision for you and not a single person should make you feel bad for it. I'm also so happy that you kept soldiering on and now have a beautiful family at the right time for you. You deserve it!

    Emma

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  16. Such a beautiful post Tahana, thank you for sharing it with us. I definitely think it's important for more people to share stories like this, and I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be in that situation but I know if a woman makes that decision, it's the best decision they can make in that situation. <3

    Tasha // shiwashiful.

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  17. You're so brave to share your story and thank you for doing so x

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  18. I commend you for putting yourself out there and making yourself so vulnerable to share your story. It couldn't have been easy for you. It's your body and your decision to make sure that you're in the best possible state. <3

    Rochelle || www.simplesocialsister.com
    Rochelle || www.simplesocialsister.com

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  19. Such a brave story to share, this makes me even happier seeing the little life you have made for yourself! I am sure sharing this will have helped others who are going through the same thing, or have been through it previously. Love x

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  20. You are SO brave for writing about this! I was the best friend in a situation like this, to a degree I can feel a bit of that experience. You are so strong for making this decision, I hope it gets easier for you!
    XX Izzy
    www.izzywears.com

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  21. I love you wrote about this T! I can't imagine what you went through but god it's good to hear from someone speaking out about experiencing abortion. It is so rare!

    Sarah | More Than Adored

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  22. I'm not sure whether to cheer loudly or sob but what I do know is that I'm so friggin grateful that you wrote this and put it out into the world. There is NOTHING wrong with your choice and anyone who says otherwise or protests about such a choice need to rollback their judgement and focus on themselves.
    I'm sorry about your partner's reaction when you returned home, I can only try to imagine how heartbreaking that must have been, but I'm so glad you saw the logical solution and followed through with what your gut told you. Way too many children are born into unions that aren't suitable for a child. I was a product of one of those. I grew up seeing other products of the same disfunction. Long story short, we all have a lot of issues. The only person who can prevent a child from being exposed to an unhealthy environment is you - the person giving birth; the person who has the final choice into whether a life is birthed or not.
    Personally, I wish people who choose to have children went through anywhere near the same amount of painstaking consideration and hoop-jumping that women who choose an abortion have to go through.
    I've never had one but heavens know that if I were to have one I would be open about it. It takes strong, brave women to stand-up and say what you have said. Thank you!!

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  23. This is such a beautiful thing for you to share! I think it's such a taboo topic, but so many women go through it and are too terrified to talk about it to anyone. I had a scare once and it was such a taboo thing that I didn't even know where I'd have to go if it turned out I was pregnant. I think it's so brave of you to share and I thank you for it 💕

    Laura || www.thelifeoflaura.com.au xx

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  24. You are so brave to share your story. I know its not the same, but I am yet to share my story on how my son died when he was 9 weeks old. I just don't have the courage even 3 years later. I admire you for being strong to share yours xx

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  25. Your so brave for sharing your journey, I hope that it helps others, you should be very proud of your courage! Sending you all the love and support I can! Xx

    Kez | acaciasdreams.com

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