Wednesday, 26 October 2016

My confession


I have a confession and it's one I have been thinking about sharing with you guys for a while now.. this has taken a hell of a lot of guts...


Last night I shared with my Instagram followers on @talkhealthytome that I am struggling with postnatal depression...It's hard to admit defeat but I think in admitting it I realise that I'm not completely lost however...

I feel like a big fat phoney.

I am so so passionate about health and fitness and helping everyone. I am studying in the field, I have done hours and hours of my own research to help myself and others, I am constantly learning, I run a group on Facebook for the sole purpose of inspiring, motivating and helping others.

Right now I feel like I've lost the 'talkhealthytome' part of me. And it is SUCH an important part of me and I really want it back.

I take full responsibility for losing it. Between being a mum, still waking 2-3 times per night, working full time, pumping breast milk twice a day and breastfeeding, studying, blogging and actually making the time to spend with Achilles and Ben, I have been feeling either too exhausted or like I have so many other things to get done and I keep putting off working out thinking that it will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow hasn't happened in a long time (with the here and there exception over the last few months).

I've been dealing with post partum depression since having Achilles and it is slowly getting worse however I realise that is in part because I am so inactive compared to what I used to be. When you lose the part of yourself that you loved the most, it is inevitable that you will feel depressed and hate yourself every day just a little bit.

*please note this depression has nothing to do with my son, I love him more than life itself and I enjoy every minute I spend with him and I love him more and more each day - this is all about me and the love I should have for myself. I write this simply because I need you guys to know the bond I have with Achilles is not jeopardised by these feelings in fact he (and Ben) are the ones who make every day worth it!

Whilst I still eat healthy and give my body what it needs, I definitely eat things on top of that, extra coffees during the day, I don't say no to morning teas at work, I message Ben asking him to bring me home food (in my defense breastfeeding makes me so hungry but that doesn't excuse the choices I make).

Before and during most of my pregnancy, the gym was my second home, it was the place I felt the most comfortable. I enjoyed every single minute I was there and I felt like it was where I belonged.

Fast-forward to post pregnancy and child birth, I walk in the gym and I feel anxious and I seem to walk around aimlessly and feel like I achieve nothing. To be fair, childbirth is NOT easy on the body and I guess everyone reacts differently and it has really affected my self esteem and my self confidence. I don't know how or why but it has and in many ways. I thought I wouldn't be one of those women but unfortunately, I am.

I don't care what I weigh, it's not about that. I care about how I feel. I am sick of waking up and hating myself everyday. I'm sick of being in a vicious cycle of being too exhausted to workout but knowing that if I just start, it will make everything seem so much better. I am sick of not making time to look after myself.

I need help! I need your support and encouragement! I need you guys to return the favour! Tell me I can do it, chase me up and ask how my workouts are going. Ask what I'm eating, ask me to post photos. I will do it and it will keep me accountable which is exactly what I need right now... to keep myself accountable.

Along with the help of you guys here is how I am going to do that:

  • Daily schedule hour by hour (obviously having a six month old wont always make this possible but I can attempt to keep it as close as possible!)
  • Set small daily goals
  • Track my nutrition on MyFitnessPal - such an underrated app. It's amazing for tracking everything you eat and drink and to help plan your meals for the week
  • Do some personal training sessions - I will do anything to get my gym mojo back and I have found a pretty inspiring mumma PT who I'm sure will help me get back on track!
  • Post more photos on instagram - the more I post, the more I am motivated to have good things to post about 
  • Post a 'before' photo on social media. It's how I made it work last time...hopefully it will work this time too!
I feel like I let you all down. Here I am giving you all advice and studying to be a personal trainer and nutrition coach so I can help you all out even more than I already do and I am over here not practicing what I preach. I am sorry to you all but I promise to start looking after myself more so I have the time and energy to help encourage you all to be healthy and happy.. I just have to get back there first!

<3 Tahana

7 comments :

  1. I've already spoken to you personally but again I want to let you know that I think you are Superwoman! You can do this and I believe in you! If you need babysitter, a workout buddy or even just a shoulder I'm here <3

    Kate | themintedblog.com

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  2. Tahana, if anyone can do this, you can! Good for you for having the insight that you are battling this and being so open about something that is still relatively kept quiet.

    xo

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  3. Thank you for speaking out. As a new mum I really appreciate it, you can do it and I look forward to seeing you soon and telling you in person. I also have been eating a few extra naughty things and it's hard to find motivation. Lots of love. Xoxo

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  4. Tahana you are so freaking inspiring. If you really want to be held accountable I'd be happy to do that for you, and you could keep me accountable if you like. I love seeing your health posts on insta everyday! It's definitely a great way to motivate yourself. I'm here to help in any way I can! Happy to watch Achilles while you gym or workout with you ♡

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  5. Oh babe. You need to give yourself a break. Having a child is bloody hard work and everyday is a learning curve. From what you are saying you pack so much into your day already it's no surprise you don't have any for much else. But I do understand where you are coming from, start small maybe half an hour or an hour 3 times a week? You'll get back to where you were.

    X

    Bec | beautywithbec.com

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  6. You have nothing to be sorry for Tahana!!! Just because you have moments where you feel unmotivated or are dealing with deeper issues, does not in any way make you a phoney! If anything, it makes you even more real and powerful because you admit you have vulnerabilities just like everyone else. You're an amazing woman and I admire you so much! You have always been a huge inspiration to me when it comes to health & fitness and nothing has changed for me! I have some weight on at the moment and my fitness could be better so happy to join forces with you and we can get back to where we want to be!!! Love you!!!!

    Sarah | Bows & Pleats


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  7. Oh Honey! You have so much on your plate, it is only natural to feel overwhelmed. You are seriously incredible. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all go through shitty times, but everyday is a new opportunity to reach your goals. I am always free for a chat.
    Sending you so much love and positivity . xxx

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